Andrea Wenglowskyj 8/16/21 Andrea Wenglowskyj 8/16/21

Pandemic/Parenthood Interview: Lydia Beebe Safulko

It’s no secret that the pandemic has taken its toll on mothers, as for many of us our lives have shifted in new ways to make room for caring/teaching/coping with our children at home all the time. I’m sharing some interviews with other professional women I’ve photographed to inspire, uplift anyone who might need it, and validate the struggle it can be to wear so many hats.

“We all understand the value of support, love, seeing others, a hug. Thank god we didn’t lose anyone in our family, or any friends. I think we are all just so thankful to have each other. That’s definitely another silver lining.”

— Lydia Beebe Safulko

Meet Lydia Beebe Safulko. In her words:

I work as a Wealth Fiduciary Advisor for Wilmington Trust/M&T Bank (a fancy way of saying I manage people’s trust accounts). I graduated from law school in 2012 and immediately went to work at a large local law firm. I was there for 5 years or so until I had my son (he will be 4 on July 31), at which point I realized I didn’t want the burden of “law firm” life while also being a parent (billable hour requirements, working weekends, missing events, etc). I moved over to M&T in March of 2018. It was a very good switch for me and my family. We now also have a daughter, born in November 2019, right before the pandemic. My husband and I will have been married 5 years this September.

How has your life/practice/work changed since March of 2020?

Everything has changed, haha. But my daughter’s birth contributed to that greatly. She was born at 27 weeks (3 months early), on November 30, 2019, the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I called my doctor because I hadn’t felt her move in a little bit, and since their office was closed, they sent me to Children’s Hospital to have an ultrasound, just to make sure everything was ok. I drove down there blissfully unaware that I was an hour or so away from an emergency c-section. It turns out I had preeclampsia, and HELLP (a more advanced form of preeclampsia, basically). My liver was shutting down and my blood pressure was sky rocketing. My poor husband got a call from a nurse that our baby who was supposed to be born in February was actually going to be born immediately and he had to rip our sweaty two-and-half-year old out of the tunnels at Billy Beez and speed to the hospital.

Alma was born weighing 1 pound 5 ounces. She was smaller than I could even imagine. I was released from the hospital after a few days, but she stayed there until March of 2020. For the next four months, my life revolved around daily trips to the hospital, pumping and freezing milk (she wouldn’t be able to take breastmilk through her feeding tubes until at least a month after she was born), calling the hospital at night before I went to bed, and trying not to cry all the time. And also trying to be present for our son, who had a little sister he never got to see and parents who were gone in shifts.

It was hard. Hopefully the hardest thing we will ever have to do. Alma came home at the end of March 2020, just as everything was beginning to shut down from the pandemic. In fact, I think they probably sent us home a bit early to make sure her little lungs weren’t exposed to Covid (it was still so early on in the pandemic and no one knew much about it). We brought her home right into 100 days stuck at home with our almost 3 year old, Henry (his daycare and both of our offices were closed because of Covid). I transitioned from my extended disability leave to working from home full time with my husband, our son, and a tiny baby on oxygen all at home. It wasn’t ideal.

Alma is now 19 months (though developmentally more like 15), and totally healthy. We are so lucky. She started going to daycare twice a week in June, and is with my mother-in-law once a week. She is home with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and as you can imagine, it’s getting harder and harder to get work done during normal hours. She also still sees three specialists a week. Thankfully I have a very understanding employer.

Looking back on the past year, can you share a few highlights of:

Silver linings of the pandemic:

A silver lining would definitely be the time at home together. I mean don’t get me wrong– it was absolutely brutal at times. But I tried to remind myself how this is time that we would never have again, all four of us home, spending our days together. It also coincided with my son transitioning from a toddler to a kid. It was really interesting. He was 2.5 and in diapers at the beginning of the pandemic, and he’s potty trained and almost 4 now. He dresses himself. He gets his own snacks. He’s no longer a baby. And I’m really glad we got to spend so much time together during that phase.

The other silver lining is my new business, Roaring Spring Vintage. I started selling vintage housewares and furniture this past March, on Instagram and on Etsy. I needed a creative outlet. I was beginning to feel that I was losing myself a bit. This has been a way for me to feel useful, have my own thing. It has brought its own challenges, and I’m still figuring out how to fit the business in with my family life and my full time job, but it’s something that I’m proud of.

The challenging/horrible moments that you overcame:

In addition to everything we went through with Alma in the hospital, coming home and not being able to see family and friends, have them meet her, or even have someone watch the kids for a few hours – that was so hard. My husband and I are probably still recovering from the whole thing, starting from November 2019. Also, to top things off, we both came down with Covid around Labor Day of 2020, and spent a week miserable and exhausted, taking shifts to parent and shifts to sleep. The kids didn’t get it, thankfully, but we were so afraid to give it to Alma that we wore N-95 masks when holding her or feeding her. That was especially brutal.

How has your community changed over the past year?

I think we have all gotten closer. We all understand the value of support, love, seeing others, a hug. Thank god we didn’t lose anyone in our family, or any friends. I think we are all just so thankful to have each other. That’s definitely another silver lining.

What do you do to fill your cup/keep yourself sane?

Well, starting Roaring Spring Vintage has definitely helped, though I will admit it’s only made me busier and more insane, haha. I was in therapy for a while after Almas birth- that was amazing and I highly recommend it. I try to exercise, I like to cook, and I try to sleep literally any chance I can get. Also, seeing family and friends really fills my cup.

If you could go back to last March, what would your present-day self offer as advice?

It’s going to be ok. Don’t forget to keep perspective.

Andrea Wenglowskyj 7/5/21 Andrea Wenglowskyj 7/5/21

Pandemic/Parenthood Interview: Whitney Mendel

“I have never felt so depleted as I felt this past January/February of 2021. I had nothing left in the tank. I was squishing myself out for everyone else. I spread myself way too thin. I had a Come to Jesus moment and realized (again) that I care for others before I care for myself. I was feeling a soul level tired. It changed the way I move, and that means that I put myself back on the map.”

— Whitney Mendel

Meet Whitney Mendel: an Associate Professor in the Master of Public Health program at Daemen College. A social worker by trade and a facilitator of learning for over a decade, Whitney works alongside a number of community organizations across WNY to work toward health equity. Whitney has helped to facilitate conversations, training, and support across a number of systems of care, acknowledging the impact across the life-course of trauma on the health and well-being of individuals and communities and the capacity for healing.

What happened in your life starting in March 2020?

My full time job is as Associate Professor of Public Health at Daemen College, and I’m a birth doula. From 2017- April 2021, I was also a consultant around trauma informed care for front-line workers, working with people in Buffalo.

I have twins that are 18 years old, Mia and Owen. They graduated high school and went off to their freshman year of college in Pittsburgh during the pandemic, at different schools. The start of the lockdown was so wild. We were on top of a mountain in California when my daughter called to say that things were being shut down. As soon as we got home, it felt like a big collision, and the kids were told that they were shutting down school for two weeks. It was their senior year, and we thought it was only going to be a matter of weeks. So at first, the shutdown felt like a lovely reprieve. Then we soon became aware that this was the way we would live.

Mia immediately began to mourn the loss of senior year: field hockey, prom: rights of passage. My son was relieved because he didn’t want to have to do any of those things. My husband was furloughed and I was working fully remote, which was a complete and utter whirlwind.

There was little communication from school about graduation, which was frustrating for the kids. Towards the end they had a virtual graduation and had students come in ten at a time, masked, six feet apart, and walked across the stage with two people in the audience watching. It was silent in there. The school spliced the videos all together, then they did small ceremonies outside on the football field, about a month after they received their diplomas. Prom was entirely canceled. We did lots of drive-by parties, balloons on the lawn. It all felt pretty makeshift and out of place.

Summer was better, getting together with friends masked and distanced, being as careful as we could, waiting to hear what colleges would do. The threat of being fully remote was weighing on everybody, and the pandemic made it harder for Mia to leave home. She felt less safe on top of a regular big life transition. Campuses opened up but they had to quarantine in their dorm rooms. This is a time when eighteen year olds should be touching and exploring new people, and it was very bizarre. Though many of their classes were online, they were largely stuck hanging out with their roommates the whole time. There were no communal spaces. But kids abandoned the rules, they are eighteen! My son found his first girlfriend within a week! It was a lot of fear for me, worrying about the kids getting sick and being away from home, as Covid rates got higher throughout the fall.

For me as a parent, this is my second marriage, I am good friends with my ex husband, and all of us along with his wife were holding our breath and knew they wouldn’t follow the rules. Letting go of the kids and letting go of control of their actions was strange and really hard. My biggest fear was them getting sick and me not being able to be there.

The hardest thing we went through was that my daughter scream cried most of her first semester. She and change haven’t gotten along too well, historically. She was connecting with people, but calling 7-8 times a day begging to come home. It was a weird position to be in because I was firm about her staying, since I had encouraged her to go off to school. I was worried she would come home and then she would never leave. It was a mind fuck trying to do what was best for her while fearing for her. But she would hang up and then go make new friends. I was the last person standing, nearly everyone told me to let her come home. She went to see her brother and they had lunch, and after realizing he was ok, she settled in and became the most popular girl on her floor, and in a sorority! It was hardest to hold her in place while I was scared for her because of the pandemic, not because of the college transition.

Everyone stayed healthy, though my grandfather passed and we couldn’t see him in California. I was the last family member to see him before he died on our trip out to California. Us not being able to celebrate him is sad. He would have loved gin and tonics in his honor.

Now the kids are all vaccinated and we turned a massive corner. Life is creeping onwards to normal, though everyone is changed.

How has your life/practice/work changed?

It’s hard for me to tease apart what changed me: launching my only children into the world, my mothering role with my students, or leaning in really hard to support frontline workers, hospitals, lawyers, and teachers virtually. I helped them process the trauma they were dealing with personally and professionally, and helped lawyers dealing with clients facing domestic violence and housing issues. Plus dealing with the social/political nightmare in our country, I have never felt so depleted as I felt this past January/February of 2021. I had nothing left in the tank. I was squishing myself out for everyone else. I spread myself way too thin. I had a Come to Jesus moment and realized (again) that I care for others before I care for myself. I was feeling a soul level tired. It changed the way I move, and that means that I put myself back on the map. I quit a lot of the support work after a year because I couldn’t sustain it. And I slowed down in general, trying to find time to take walks and fill up.

I am a social worker by training and I tend to be the one behind the scenes, caring for the ones who are doing the caring. Being front row, there wasn’t time to stop. To watch people reach levels of burn out, compassion fatigue, and the amount of grief from the loss of loved ones, they are the ones there with the patients when they die because the family can't be there. I was also burning out and unable to feel; it was survival. I kind of knew that it was happening, I was connected with my therapist the entire time. When I couldn’t reach my own feelings, I realized I couldn’t afford it emotionally. My body laughed at me, and I was flooded with all I was holding onto.

As a doula, I had two clients due late March/early April. In the thick of everything, doulas were kicked out of the hospital so I did virtual support. One mom needed physical help because one twin was in the NICU. I stayed with the mom for two days after her c-section, while her husband was at the NICU. This family was a big exposure risk for me because they had been in the hospital. I left when the baby came home from the NICU. It was an incredible experience to be helpful to somebody, but it was scary. Do we do masks or no masks when we are up at 2am? Do I get tested? How do I manage these things? A recent doula client delivered and I could be in the hospital for 22 hours. About 6 months into the pandemic doulas could come in and be part of the care team. A big bonus that came out of the pandemic is that doulas are valued as part of the care team, not just as a support person.

Looking back on the past year, can you share a few highlights of:

Silver linings of the pandemic:

Right when things first locked down, it was wonderful how much time we had together, especially with 17 year old twins. Those poor bastards had to stay home with us! I was the only one working. My kids started cooking for us every once in a while, we played board games, we watched tv. We wouldn’t have seen each other so much. That was a huge gift. And my husband had time to do interesting things after being furloughed.
I experienced more communication across my extended family, too. We would zoom once a week with my brother, instead of being too busy to talk. Getting my mom set up on zoom was comical.
Another silver lining was hearing people’s/societal acceptance of anxiety and depression that were much more closeted before. Hearing doctors admit to psychological trauma makes it a much more accepted issue, and that is tremendous.
Appreciation for being in nature, the healing qualities of being outdoors, and now the healing qualities to hug friends NOW. Appreciation for what our relationships mean to us.

The challenging/horrible moments that you overcame:

The only other things that run parallel to this are the other pandemic, our society facing systemic racism more openly again, and the election. It wasn’t a personal struggle, it was a collective struggle. I was terrified of the election and I cried like a baby during the inauguration. It is a collective trauma. The amount of violence and loss is astounding to me. Because we were extra vulnerable due to the Covid pandemic, it sat us down to witness the losses of folks like Breonna Taylor and George Floyd in a different way, grappling with our systems. It was at points overwhelmingly hard to get up. And as a parent, wondering what we are launching our kids into. My kids got to vote in this election for the first time. Buoyed by generations coming up, I am excited to see where they take it and see my son date someone out of his race. She thanked me for raising him to tolerate feminist rants. There is hope, but we will still have to go through horrible things to make real change.

How has your community changed over the past year?

This has multiple layers. At my full time job in higher ed, we are there for the students, so I have a wonderful community within Daemen. We created Happiness Hours, which are drop in hours with each other. This brought us closer together even though we were only on Zoom. We look after each other in deeper ways than we have before.

My students had a fractured experience because they were not connecting with their peers in person. The ability to support each other amongst students was lacking, so I became a touch point. Mama Mendel, some have lovingly called me.

The community helping people do front line supports became damaged. Everyone was depleted, the leadership kept asking for more, and it illuminated where there are holes in care systems.

What do you do to fill your cup/keep yourself sane?

I podcasted and walked for hours during the pandemic, and when the weather permits, kayaking and being outdoors. Regular therapy every other week. Disconnecting from the damn phone and the news. Being conscious of how much I took in of the news. It was a barrage. Intentionally connecting with my husband and people who are filling, who I can be with and be myself. I’m happiest when I am with the kids.

If you could go back to last March, what would your present-day self offer as advice?

I would tell myself to be prepared for the long haul, that this is a new way of how we do things. Saying no far more often, which I need to tell myself far more often anyway. I was already a caregiver and it was assumed that I would do more. Hearing someone else’s trauma in my own home/sanctuary was really hard to move through. I wish I had been more intentional/thoughtful to create a ritual to open/close the space of my office. There is no physical closing of the door. I was able to acknowledge this for others I was supporting but not for myself. All of it helped me to realize how much I had done to curate a safe space in our home, a safe emotional space.

Keep yourself on the priority list.

Andrea Wenglowskyj 6/9/21 Andrea Wenglowskyj 6/9/21

Pandemic/Parenthood Interview: Natasha Dalley

“I honestly don’t know what life with two kids under two would have been like before the pandemic so I can’t say if it’s better or worse. It’s hard. It’s so hard. It was especially hard during the winter because our house is small and it felt like we were all on top of each other all the time. It was bananas. But we are very happily coming up on our 2nd wedding anniversary and it seems like the kids are thriving, so I think we have made it to this point as well as we could have.”

— Natasha Dalley

Meet Natasha Dalley, a writer, (commercial) model, compliance advisor, and owner of a whimsical forest island.

My name is Natasha Dalley and my kids are Miles (2 1/2 years old) and Camille (born July 2020). In March 2020…whew…well, I was pregnant in March. I have a picture I took in the work bathroom mirror at 21 weeks and 5 days, right before we started working from home. Once the pandemic started, Miles was 16 months old and stopped going to daycare part time, and was only going to my parents’ house a couple days a week. That was difficult. Getting substantive work done with a 16-month-old at home is laughable. I worked up until my scheduled c-section on Tuesday, July 14th, 2020.

For this to make sense, I have to go back a few years to when I was pregnant with Miles to explain the impact of my pregnancy with Camille during Covid. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Anxiety. During my pregnancy with Miles, my doctors and I agreed that I should continue taking my medication during my pregnancy. I did. They were concerned that I would have Postpartum Depression (PPD), as was I. I was also really terrified about the state of maternal health and mortality rates among black women. My husband is white. We had a few conversations where I told him if they (the doctors, nurses, etc.) don’t listen to me, I needed him to tell them. I needed him to make them listen.

At that time, it seemed that the topic of black maternal health was being addressed slightly more due to Serena Williams’ birth story and Beyonce’s birth story. But, I knew regular women like myself (read: not celebrities) were dying much more frequently than makes any type of logical sense given the state of medicine these days. I knew about PPD, so I did not expect to have severe anxiety and depression during my pregnancy. At about 3 or 4 months pregnant with Miles, my husband had a work trip to Greece for a few weeks. I was working and I felt perfectly fine about him leaving. The first week was fine, and then it hit me like a freight train. One tiny, little, seemingly insignificant thing on top of a mountain of tiny insignificant things (I couldn’t find the location for a prenatal yoga class so I missed taking the class with my friend) and I lost it. I called my psychiatrist and my mom and had her take me to the Erie County Medical Center Comprehensive Psychiatric Emergency Program (ECMC CPEP) to check myself in. It was an awful experience. I didn’t know what to be on the lookout for so when I had intense feelings I didn’t know how to deal with, I ran to where I thought I could/should go. My husband took the first flight home and I got released on the second day of my stay.

Natasha Dalley photographed with daughter, Camille, on her whimsical forest island in Williamsville, NY, 2021.

The reason that I went through that paragraph above is that all of that was on my mind when I was pregnant with Camille. I honestly didn’t have a lot of confidence in myself for making it through my pregnancy with Camille without having serious mental health issues. With the addition of the isolation due to the pandemic, going through new struggles I never encountered before while being pregnant, having a child under 2, not knowing if I’d be able to have my mom with me at the hospital, not knowing how the experience would be because things were constantly changing, still working full time, being black, (talk about ramping up anxiety, I definitely cut off some family members and “friends” during that time)…it was just too much. But, I made it. I clearly recall a period of time where I had identical feelings to those that I had when I went to ECMC CPEP during my first pregnancy and I said to my husband, “I recognize that I am having the same feelings. I know that feelings are not facts. I think I can get through this as long as I don’t panic.” And it was ok. Honestly and thankfully considering all of the exterior circumstances my pregnancy with Camille was pretty low key. When she was born, they had to take her straight to the NICU but she got out that evening. Not being able to see her when she was born was kind of a low point. But everything ended up fine.

How has your life/practice/work changed?

It’s funny because I work for the same employer that I have had since 2015 but I changed departments in the summer of 2019. So, being within the first year of having a new position and working from home was kind of wild. When we first started working from home, I hated it. I’ve always loved the routine of going to work and having my space and being social. At the time we started working from home, we were in a smaller bedroom on our second floor that barely fit a small desk and chair, our bed, a dresser, and a pack n’ play. It was overwhelming. Over time we moved up to the 3rd floor of our house and while we still have desks in our bedroom, now we can easily fit two with chairs and there is an incredible amount of space. I feel like I can successfully separate my work space from my sleep space (ok, maybe 90% of the time successfully) even though they are in the same room. I love working from home now. I think that once we got used to our new routines, having two small children, and figuring out a new schedule with daycare and my parents’ caring for the children as well, I started to see so many positive things.

To name a few:

I can throw in a load of laundry or take care of another small chore so we aren’t chore hoarding until the weekend (benefit to all of us because more fun family time on the weekend).
I eat better and save money because I’m not running out to get lunch from the places near my office or coffee or snacks.
I exercise more! Some days it is only 15-20 minutes but I will jump on the spin bike or take a walk.
I am more focused. Listen, I’m a social butterfly, I love to chat and at the office it was so easy to run into friends and do just that. At home, yes I miss that sometimes but for the most part, I think it’s easier to be more productive. There are definitely fewer distractions.
No commute = more quality time with my family. That’s a huge win in my book.
Saving money and anxiety surrounding work clothes! We had moved to wearing more casual clothing at work but still there is a stark difference between work clothes and home clothes. I didn’t have to worry about nothing fitting when I went back to work, buying new things, or what I even looked like (unless I was on camera for a meeting). That is also a boost to productivity in my book!
No cubicle= more humane! I get sunlight now. Yay!

I honestly don’t know what life with two kids under two would have been like before the pandemic so I can’t say if it’s better or worse. It’s hard. It’s so hard. It was especially hard during the winter because our house is small and it felt like we were all on top of each other all the time. It was bananas. But we are very happily coming up on our 2nd wedding anniversary and it seems like the kids are thriving, so I think we have made it to this point as well as we could have.

How has your community changed over the past year?

It has been heartbreaking seeing everyone struggle through things where normally we could provide in person support to one another. What is top of mind is my grandfather, a couple friends, and close friend’s family members dying and, in many cases, due to restrictions, not being able to see people in the hospital or in their homes. Not being able to properly celebrate the greatness of their lives, their achievements, and how much they impacted their own communities feels like it leaves a hole in the grieving process. On the other end of the spectrum, it’s also been sad to not be able to celebrate all the births, welcome visitors, have help, give help, support one another, and welcome new lives. It does feel like through everything, that people in our community have adapted to do their best to handle what comes and help each other navigate where we started through where we are at this present moment.

What do you do to fill your cup/keep yourself sane?

I’m still working on this. My cup has often been bone dry for interminable periods of time. I have re-committed to my writing (short stories and flash fiction) and to exercising via walking or riding my spin bike. Even if it is only 15-20 minutes a day, I try to get in one or both. Joining the Conqueror Challenge has been really helpful to keeping me on task with getting in my miles and the enormous community of fellow participants is quite inspiring.

If you could go back to last March, what would your present-day self offer as advice?

Bring all your things home from work, it’s going to be more than a few weeks! Also, have as much patience with yourself as you give to your children, you deserve it, and this is going to be a long, uncertain journey for everyone.

Andrea Wenglowskyj 5/28/21 Andrea Wenglowskyj 5/28/21

Pandemic/Parenthood Interview: Alyssa Capri

“Don’t spend much time on social media. Remember that everyone is going through a huge shift in life and they ultimately have to work that out for themselves, and so do you. ”

— Alyssa Capri

Meet Alyssa Capri, a working artist based in Buffalo, N.Y. Her recent work has focused on painting and murals. She has shown her work in several galleries and is published internationally. Alyssa has painted and assisted on multiple murals in the city of Buffalo.

Your name, what you do, ages of your kids and what you’ve been up to during the pandemic, since March 2020.

My name is Alyssa Capri, my children are 10 (Mirah) and 7 (Hazel). We live in the city of Buffalo, so my kids have been remote learning since March 2020. My youngest just started the “phased in” model where she goes to school 2 days a week in February, however, my older daughter is still completely at home. I was laid off from work at my day job (I work in landscaping) until the summer months of 2020. The first few months, I spent a lot of time with the kids at home, working awkwardly to homeschool before the district got it together and started doing remote learning. In September of 2020, I started going to school full time (online) and I have been maintaining that still. I have been working full time, schooling full time, and parenting with two remote grade-schoolers.

How has your life/practice/work changed?

It feels like everyday is a constant juggle. I’m continuously managing our schedules. It has been difficult to keep the kids occupied and happy. Their dad and I share custody of them, and we have become almost their only social outlet at this point. So, trying to meet everyone’s needs means that mine usually get pushed aside. Some days are really hard for me. I’ve had to put my emotional & social needs on pause for over a year. I do think we have a pretty good routine going now and most of the frustration and discomfort from the initial adjustment has waned.

Looking back on the past year, can you share some silver linings of the pandemic and some challenging moments you overcame?

I’ve enjoyed getting to spend more time with my kids, despite the challenges. I think that we’ve gotten to know each other in new and different ways. The kids have really improved their communication skills with each other. They have learned new responsibilities and skills. We have reassessed our values, and learned a lot of new things. We got to spend a lot of time outdoors and were able to go camping, last summer, and that was really special.

The first few months were the hardest adjustment with the kids. There were meltdowns almost everyday about the restrictions and homeschooling. The kids really grieved the loss of their social and recreational time. It was very difficult to work through that while struggling with my own emotions. The summer of 2020 was incredibly difficult for Americans, culturally and politically. Navigating that on top of a pandemic, there was a lot of mourning.

How has your community changed over the past year?

My community has changed in that it has aligned more with what is of value to me. A lot of superficial relationships drifted away. I have set more healthy boundaries with friends and said goodbye to people who did not bring positivity to our relationship. So, it has shifted, it feels more reliable and safer now.

What do you do to fill your cup/keep yourself sane?

My cup hasn’t felt full in a long time, but I try to plan things to look forward to. I have gotten a lot better at stating my needs. Making sure I keep my grades up and a paycheck coming in has been important for me. I guess that translates to keeping routine and stability in my life, where possible.

If you could go back to last March, what would your present-day self offer as advice?

Don’t spend much time on social media. Remember that everyone is going through a huge shift in life and they ultimately have to work that out for themselves, and so do you.

Andrea Wenglowskyj 3/25/21 Andrea Wenglowskyj 3/25/21

Pandemic/Parenthood Interview: Alexa Joan Wajed

It’s no secret that the pandemic has taken its toll on mothers, as for many of us our lives have shifted in new ways to make room for caring/teaching/coping with our children at home all the time. I’m sharing some interviews with business owners (who are also moms) I’ve photographed to inspire, uplift anyone who might need it, and validate the struggle it can be to wear so many hats.

“The more we share ourselves and the more we share our work, others are getting more comfortable sharing their work, and more. We have been told that we are inspiring others. I am not sure how, I just know we are going to keep moving.”

— Alexa Joan Wajed

Meet Alexa Joan Wajed, a Creative Entrepreneur and Founder of Eat Off Art. She is a Visual Artist, Jewelry Designer, Chef and Manager of many people and things!

Alexa helped create two amazing young Black children soon to be young Black men. She and her husband worked to create a phenomenal partnership. She creates hand painted leather jewelry (#Fleathers). She creates wonderful meals and dishes with minimally processed ingredients and whole foods. She creates successful businesses.

How old are your kids and what have they been up to during the pandemic?
16 years old: A Virtual School learner and creative - he is working on his own business of Custom Designed Sneakers and preparing his portfolio for AP Art. During the pandemic he had his first solo exhibition at Pine Apple Company in Buffalo and is preparing for another one this year on Grant Street.

19 years old: A College Student - focusing on School, Soccer, Real Estate and Barbering! During the pandemic he learned about the stock market, and played video games.

How did your practice change throughout the duration of the pandemic?
My practice has been morphing through the years - and I was at a point where I was getting comfortable with the idea of not having a steady paycheck that had to be signed by a company or business owner. Coming from a highly corporate background, betting on myself and taking a leap has been very difficult.

Well, the pandemic PUSHED me over the ledge, the cliff, off an airplane. More change ensued with 4 working creatives under one roof during the pandemic with various projects and classes taking place all at the same time. Patience and allowing things to happen (knowing you have done everything you could in your power to make it successful) are key during this time!

What do you do to fill your cup/keep yourself sane in the moments when you are not caring for others and working?
Is there actually time to do that? I am learning that I do not do this enough. We recently brought a rescue pup into our household and he is a great Emotional Support Pet. Right now taking him for walks and simply sitting with him have been great quiet time/sane moments for me. A cup of tea daily and some good old fashioned binging on TV once in a blue moon are helpful. I do work towards meditating, reading books on a regular basis and walking daily.

How has your creative community changed over the past year?
Interesting question. I feel that our community has grown. For many decades my husband and I have worked individually on our own projects and this year we made a concerted effort to work together. Like the wonder twins – combining our forces, strength and power has made a significant impact on our creative community. The more we share ourselves and the more we share our work, others are getting more comfortable sharing their work, and more. We have been told that we are inspiring others. I am not sure how, I just know we are going to keep moving. All in all our creative community has increased because more people want to Eat Off their Art!

What is a habit you have to fight against?

1. Control: I have to continuously learn and relearn to let go, knowing I cannot control everything, and everything is not meant to happen my way.
2. Making people feel comfortable (being a people pleaser).

What is something you need right now that people reading this might be able to help with?
I likely need help with A LOT however, since all of my plates are turning at once I can't stop to figure what those things are.

1. Share our work at Eat Off Art with your network

2. Have difficult conversations with those in your circle.

3. Support local artists and purchase their works!

4. I likely need some help with some business stuff, too.

Andrea Wenglowskyj 3/13/21 Andrea Wenglowskyj 3/13/21

Pandemic/Parenthood Interview: Cassandra Ott

It’s no secret that the pandemic has taken its toll on mothers, as for many of us our lives have shifted in new ways to make room for caring/teaching/coping with our children at home all the time. I’m sharing some interviews with business owners (who are also moms) I’ve photographed to inspire, uplift anyone who might need it, and validate the struggle it can be to wear so many hats.

“It has been so hard to plan since everything has been shapeshifting. I have learned new things and made a little progress on some projects...I’m slowly getting back into making.”

— Cassandra Ott

Cassi at Drop Forge & Tool in Hudson, NY

Meet Cassandra Ott, an artist and designer who creates joyful, colorful mixed media artwork, surface pattern designs and murals.

How old is your kid and what has he been up to during the pandemic?

I have one son, Silas, age 9. He has been doing virtual school and going a bit batty as an only kid, but has impressed us with how well he is coping. He’s drawn comics, started to learn to cook and played tons of Nintendo. He has grown so much over this past year!

How did your practice change throughout the duration of the pandemic?

When the pandemic first hit the U.S. in March, I had just finished up a one week artist’s residency at Drop Forge & Tool, which was wonderful and I felt so motivated to have a super creative and productive year. Pandemic reality hit hard as soon as I came home from that trip and I’ve definitely had a difficult time staying on track or feeling creative during this time.

It has been so hard to plan since everything has been shapeshifting. I was scheduled to paint a mural in Buffalo at the end of the summer, and the project kept getting postponed which was deflating and frustrating at the time, but we pushed it back to 2021 and now it is something to look forward to. I somehow thought it would be so much easier to get lots of work done while being stuck at home, but the reality is that there has been so much mental tax that it is hard to stay focused. I have learned new things and made a little progress on some projects goals for 2021, such as designing a deck of cards. I’m slowly getting back into making... but as far as creating artwork, I have not done nearly as much as I would like.

What do you do to fill your cup/keep yourself sane in the moments when you are not caring for others and working?

Talking to other mom friends also helps a ton! There are so many of us juggling our own sets of unwieldy balls - it’s helpful to know that while we are isolated, we are in this together. Carving out some time to exercise makes me feel better overall, so I try to make that a priority. As does meditating, but I don’t do that as often as I should. Escaping reality with some good reading or TV time is wonderful, too.

How has your creative community changed over the past year?

I am an introvert, and a bit of a homebody who was used to working from my home studio (though not with my whole family present all the time). Covid has brought the opportunity for a lot more virtual meetings which has been great and I have found some wonderful creative camaraderie online. I have a pattern design feedback group that meets once or twice a month which gives me some accountability and constructive feedback in that department. I am also a member of a group called the Art Brand Alliance which has connected me with a lot of other artist/entrepreneurs who are navigating these strange times and sharing ideas about running a creative business. I also really love our local CreativeMornings/Buffalo chapter and they have done a great job of translating their gatherings to a virtual space.

What is a habit you have to fight against?

Definitely procrastination. It comes so naturally, and usually bites me back!

What is something you need right now that people reading this might be able to help with?

I would love to find a local printer who could create archival black and white prints on cotton or fine art paper. I am also working on getting over my mental block around writing. I have always connected so much with visuals and been intimidated by words… so any insight for tackling journaling or storytelling is welcome!

Andrea Wenglowskyj 3/7/21 Andrea Wenglowskyj 3/7/21

Pandemic/Parenthood Interview: Gaitrie Subryan

It’s no secret that the pandemic has taken its toll on mothers, as for many of us our lives have shifted in new ways to make room for caring/teaching/coping with our children at home all the time. I’m sharing some interviews with business owners (who are also moms) I’ve photographed to inspire, uplift anyone who might need it, and validate the struggle it can be to wear so many hats.

“Surrounding myself with people that understand me as a mom and artist is also helpful because they remind me that this is not permanent. And the lessons I am learning here will meet me on the stage.”

— Gaitrie Subryan

Gaitrie, photographed for CreativeMornings/Buffalo

Meet Gaitrie Subryan, a choreographer and Bollywood performance artist. She teaches dance and yoga to adults and youth. Inspired during the lockdown in October of 2020 she started her own podcast: Beyond the Studio. Artists from all disciplines share their stories to influence, teach and inspire audiences.

How old are your kids and what they’ve been up to during the pandemic?

My kids are the apple of my eye, and the reason why I’m motivated. Shiv is five, and I am bracing for his character to come through! My twins, Karishma and Divya are 2 years and 6 months. It is quite the adventure here.

Shiv was in PreK and went virtual. I built a schedule for him and created a nice space in our home. In September we thought things might get better... but they didn’t. So we didn't send him back to school and we decided to homeschool all 3 kids. We’ve been doing online activities like yoga and dance classes. And all together we are learning Sign Language and Spanish. Plus, spending time outdoors and doing things like pizza night on Fridays have made things more fun.

In the beginning of the lockdown I thought I would hit the ground running and teach classes online but NO. I hit the ground. I was so overwhelmed and exhausted. I couldn’t get in front of the camera to teach. There were so many issues to sort out. I need to process and I put a lot of pressure on myself. In the beginning I felt exhausted. My creativity was dampened. When I took a step back to assess it all, I realized through my meditation that I need to take a step back from being a teacher and think about being a student to let my mind grow. I was able to have that spark be ignited again.

What does that transition look like right now? I am teaching yoga to young audiences: those are online. But in my own dance, I am still not creating choreography. That has been very difficult. I am goal oriented when preparing for a festival or a performance and this isn’t happening.

I’ve experienced months of depression. Both of my parents had Covid, and all our parents are in NYC. This roadblock in choreography, the whole world at a standstill, the household shift, so much readjusting has made this not an easy time. I remind myself that this is not permanent. We will come out of this.

What do you do to fill your cup/keep yourself sane?

I am a morning person. I love getting up before the sun. I wake up at 5:30 and I take 2 hours to journal, meditate, draw or stare at the flame of a candle. The main thing is that I honor that time for myself. When my kids wake up, that “me time” takes a back seat. Now my body automatically gets up and I go to my studio.

Surrounding myself with people that understand me as a mom and artist is also helpful because they remind me that this is not permanent. And the lessons I am learning here will meet me on the stage.

How has your creative community changed over the past year?

I’ve been building direct connections for my podcast, Beyond the Studio, and it’s not just dancers. Artists share their stories and it grows the creative community I have. They make a connection with my audience, and this reminds them that their journey matters.

What is a habit you have to fight against?

Trying to control everything. The pandemic was a lesson I needed. I am very stubborn. I cannot control everything. It’s impossible! The only thing I can control is how I react to things. It took 38 years for me to get there and I still have trouble sometimes!

What is something you need right now that people reading this might be able to help with?

This question is the hardest one. I want some tips to balance working with kids. I do everything after they go to bed. And this time is not the most productive. I have to coach myself through editing a podcast or working on my choreography. What shifts do I need to make to be more efficient?

Gaitrie Subryan with Maya Satterwhite and Naila Ansari for Creative Mornings/Buffalo. Watch their talk here.

Andrea Wenglowskyj 3/5/21 Andrea Wenglowskyj 3/5/21

Pandemic/Parenthood Interview: Stella Orange

It’s no secret that the pandemic has taken its toll on mothers, as for many of us our lives have shifted in new ways to make room for caring/teaching/coping with our children at home all the time. I’m sharing some interviews with business owners (who are also moms) I’ve photographed to inspire, uplift anyone who might need it, and validate the struggle it can be to wear so many hats.

“My creative practice these days isn’t about making work, either commercially or artistically. It’s about being present inside my own skin, inside my own life. I trust that as I do that, I will be who I need to be and move where I need to move.”

— Stella Orange

Stella in the Japanese Gardens, Buffalo, N.Y.

Meet Stella Orange, a copywriter who runs a marketing and business advising shop called Las Peregrinas with two other women.

What are the ages of your kids and what have they been up to during the pandemic?

I had twins at the beginning of the pandemic, April 2020. They’re now almost 10 months. I took 4 months maternity leave.

How did your practice change throughout the duration of the pandemic?

I was eight months pregnant with twins when the pandemic hit. I had been mentally preparing myself to let go of life as I knew it. Then, I realized that I had to let go of EVEN MORE - so that I could make it through psychologically. I had a planned C-section for April that required me to go to a place where all the sick people who had a mysterious virus were gathering. My practice was about

tapping into what I know about storytelling and showing up in uncharted territory in order to be brave. Keep my head screwed on straight. Make sure my self and my new little family made it in and out of there alive and healthy.

Then the uprisings came. You could hear helicopters in the sky over our house. I woke up one night in the middle of the night to what I thought was gunshots. It was hail (hello, snapshot into my psyche!). I was sleep deprived, sleeping 5 hours a night (thanks to my husband, who took the overnight shift). We talked about taking a double stroller to the protests. In a pandemic. But it was just too much. I ended up asking myself, “What CAN I do to be a contribution to Black Lives?” This, too, is part of my practice of writing. My practice of business. I ended up making chocolate chip cookies, and drove them down to the encampment. Rather ridiculous, I know, but that’s what was available to me at the time.

My creative practice these days isn’t about making work, either commercially or artistically. It’s about being present inside my own skin, inside my own life. I trust that as I do that, I will be who I need to be and move where I need to move. I’ve been following that idea for awhile now, but the last year has really amplified that for me. I am working towards a time in my life where I make work artistically again. But I am clear that this is not that time. Right now, my creativity is all about my #hausfraulifestyle, and being generative and meaningful as a human being, community member, and business owner.

What do you do to fill your cup/keep yourself sane in the moments when you are not caring for others and working?

Sleep. Sit in hot water. Cook. Sit. Stretch. Feel. Write in my journal. Practice benevolent mischief. Notice who takes more than they give and avoid them like the plague (too soon?). I am also becoming a gardening nerd, because I am a sucker for a quality metaphor.

How has your creative community changed over the past year?

I had a women’s group that I had convened because I wanted “in person” friends. The combo of having babies, global pandemic, and winter effectively killed that group. Maybe it comes back, maybe it doesn’t. What’s interesting is that it has morphed and evolved - I am still connected with most of the people, just in more individual and private ways.

What is a habit you have to fight against?

I don’t really think in terms of adversarial relationships. For some reason, and I get that this is weird, I accept my habits as integral to my practice and creative life. I believe that even the stuff we don’t especially like about ourselves serves some purpose, so that’s where I look first. What itch am I trying to scratch with the habit of, say, being a grown ass woman who doesn’t shower that much? Can I expand my self-concept to say YES to being someone like that? What happens when I accept something like that?

What is something you need right now that people reading this might be able to help with?

I just started a list suggested to me by my friend Belinda Pruyne, who’s an executive leadership coach, that I’m calling the Portal 18. It’s 18 people I know or would like to know, who I want to engage and nourish my relationships with, in ways tiny and big. My hypothesis is that if I focus on these 18 people, just as part of my weekly work, that I will open doors for them and they will open doors for me. So: who else do y’all know that I would want to be friends with? I’m not attached to capping my list at 18. I think of it as a living, changing thing. But I do want and need to know people who have a fire in their bellies who practice deep relationship. And who are fun at parties. {wink}